helicopters and schmaltz

if you have been lucky (?) enough to be following the bachelorette this season, know that i am one of your ranks. this is one of the only seasons i have watched, and it all began so benignly -- joy and i park in front of the tv, we pick favorites and mercilessly mock the 25 dudes who were foolish enough to be humiliated on national television. it's unfortunate that now most of those voted off have become a slogan, "the weatherman," "canadian d-bag" "weird voice 'guard and protect your heart' guy," etc. poor fellas.

joy and i also knew, though, that we would end up watching every episode. and i have. am i proud? no. will i watch the finale? absolutely.

that being said, there are a few qualms:

- helicopters. with every episode, there is a helicopter date and this last episode she remarked on the romantic-ness of the helicopter date. it is as if this is the only viable form of transportation when you are dating someone. you know what would be refreshing, and truest to life? they put these two in a '99 Ford Focus with a tape deck ONLY and tell them they have to drive from pullman to the tri-cities. then we'll see who's madly in love. i say one of them bails when they are stuck behind a semi going 45 near Dusty, WA.

- background music. this only serves to make an awkward quasi-romantic situation less so. i understand that you need some audio filler when a dude is stammering out that, "uhhh...i don't usually do this...but...uh...i think i might uh...be falling for you." good lord - you came on to the show knowing you'd have to spill your guts for good tv, now hop to it.

- the frank situation. for those of you who haven't heard about this, one of the dudes got to the last three and then decided he loved his ex-girlfriend in chicago. fine, whatever. but this d-bag has the balls to cry about the situation. YOU are dumping HER. no matter how hard you cry, i will not feel sorry for you. and NO-- she shouldn't ever forgive you.

- champagne. i saw ali and chris (one of the last two) FINALLY drinking a beer together. that is life. no one drinks that much champagne unless you're christening a boat or at a new year's eve party. even then, it's bad champagne. mimosas, maybe. drink some beer -- PBR would be fine (it's union made!).

- the team psychiatrist. chris harrison (the host) usually has the heart to hearts with the bachelor/bachelorette, that's fine. but when did he become the shoulder to cry on for both ali and the other dudes who have ex-girlfriend issues? or let alone, the authority on "following your heart"? i'll make sure to give mr.harrison a call if i'm not sure i'm in a good relationship or not. he seems to have all the answers.

and finally ---

the whole premise that ali "can't find anyone" and "always gets her heart broken" and that "this is the only way to find love." she's 25. 25?! and her love life is apparently over, no hope left. well put a fork in me friends, because it looks like i'm doomed to be alone forever according to the almighty bachelorette.

if you need me, you can find me on my air mattress with my PB&J sandwich and orange juice, wallowing in my lack of romantic promise.