fail

i remember distinctly filling the application for camp lutherhaven about two years ago now and i always get stumped with one question: explain a time when you've failed and what you learned from that experience.
that was the part of the show where i left my computer, wandered around my room, probably made a cup of tea or went out for a latte and then returned curmudgeonly to the computer waiting for something to appear. and always i thought, "i guess...nothing." i don't even know what i wrote now, to be honest. i rhetoricized my way out of that one...whew.
it's not as though i'm writing this to say that i'm the best and i am so great as to NOT fail ever, not by any means. what i've realized is that my life at home as a kiddo and my life in college has been set up for my success. i made it almost impossible for me to fail at something because i don't take too many risks about the things that are super important. in many cases, i only take on tasks that i'm sure i will love or that i am really good at. i've tried to have a plan-- if not that, at least something to say to family members to get them off my back at least for a little bit. but no big challenges. when i watch that show "Made" on MTV i always think i'd love to go on there to try and do something ridiculous, mostly so that i can fall on my face a lot. i think it would be good for me.
last night, though, i failed myself. i thought that the job with Washington CAN was going to be a perfect fit. i would love it and my life would continue to clip along just fine-- no risks, no problems. excellent.
as i stood there in the pouring rain and gusty winds on a street in the middle of Olympia with a clipboard ALONE i realized that i made a mistake. this was not what i wanted, and i put all my post-college eggs in this basket only to discover that this was NOT the plan. i was a fine healthcare activist for two hours on my observation. got some members, had some people sign postcards to send to lawmakers. cool. but i didn't love it. i was out there by myself and didn't make any real connection with people. instead it was maybe two minutes of talking to one person, only to leave again either happy or defeated. i didn't use any gifts God has given me either-- quite a shitty situation overall.
walking in my sopping wet shoes and hair stuck to my forehead i realized that i need to work with students in some capacity. now i don't know how i'm going to get there, but someday i will. i might have to work in tech writing if i get a chance to, but i know what i'd like to do in the end. so, i failed in my plan. backfired. something i didn't expect. but that's ok, because now at least i know what i don't want to do.
failure at least has taught me patience.